he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
