I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
