If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
