sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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