gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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