Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
