no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
