we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
