I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
