Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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