Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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