it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.