remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
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Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
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My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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