Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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