erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The best revenge is premature balding
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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