You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
