Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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