I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
