she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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