The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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