she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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