when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
