I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
