Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
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Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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