Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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