My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
dude. I can hear the air.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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