i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
