last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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