I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
