Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
