so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
