Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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