you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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