She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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