I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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