You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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