Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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