I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just want to make out with him forever
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
