wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
