Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
