i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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