Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
