he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
