did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
