"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
