i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
They have beer where we have blood.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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