Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
