he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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