my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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