They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
