I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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