I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
