Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
