I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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