So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Randomize
