The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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