I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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