i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
