I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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